It’s been about a week since I touched down from Europe and my body has been gradually soaking in the real world through my stubborn little pores
I wouldn’t say much has changed about myself through the trip, I’d rather not go down the “I-had-an-astonishing-epiphany-and-uncovered-several-revelations-regarding-the-elusive-location-of-happiness-in-my-life” road and absolutely forget everything that inspired the change.
However, I really do miss the lax lifestyle that the Europeans lead. In every hostel or apartment we dwelled in, there was always a café no more than a 5 minute walk away. Granted, we were tourists on vacation, but still, encompassing yourself in the backstreets of a city, away from it’s heart and soul is what really make you grasp the living conditions of the place.
Considering the economic situation of some of the places we visited, it was understandable that some may say that the European lifestyle may lack the hard work necessary to achieve greatness as a nation, but at the end of the day, it felt as if the general disposition of everyone around us was in a way, happier and more uplifting (except for Paris HAH).
And perhaps some of it may have rubbed off on us. I found it easier to read on trains and buses, easier to accept the fact that even if I never achieved greatness in life (how generic), even if I didn’t made it big in the city, I would still be content with whatever I had.
In a way, what I brought back from Europe was an ineffable form of peace (maybe it’s just laziness, I’m not quite sure yet HAHA). I did draw quite a fair bit of inspiration to create art from visiting the touristy sites like the Louvre, the Vatican City etc, but what I gained was something more, a kind of calming voice that tells my conscience that somehow, when the going gets tough, the tough wouldn’t really mind, haha.
A certain nagging part of me says that this feeling is only a temporary one, but I hope my head keeps it guarded, because I feel relatively at ease with the current state of my life. I wouldn’t say I wake up every morning with butterflies flying around my room and birds chirping songs of love, but hey, I’m pretty content with what I have and that’s good enough for me!
I miss the coffee so, so very much. Somehow, saying, “one espresso, please” feels much better than, “unker ah, wan kopi-siew-dai hor, gum sia hor!” Cafés, cafés everywhere, with the sun so brightly hung in the sky, penetrating our ozone layer, the weather was still a lovely 20 degrees Celcius or so—beautiful to simply kick back, relax and enjoy a good book.
Europe, the next time I see you, I’d like you see your natural beauty. Riding a bike on the roads less travelled, breathing in the landscapes that are left unblemished and of course sipping coffee throughout the journey. Ciao for now :)
Beat of the day: Skyfall — Adele
I can’t decide if I like being alone.
The 2nd voice has been grunting these days.
Growing up is a strange feeling, you don’t realise it on a day to day basis, but little reminders every now and then will hit you in the face, and boy do they hit you hard.
The ol’ sentence that always pops up with your buddies goes, “man… It feels like just yesterday…” Man I really hate growing up, it sucks to keep in mind that actions will now result in consequences that you have to own up to. As immature and irresponsible that sounds, I miss the days when we could fuck around and the only worry that would be on my mind was, “eh… tomorrow need to hand in what homework ah? Let me copy leh.”
For awhile now, I’ve lived with the mentality that you can never be the best at something and I’ve firmly stood by it for quite some time. People who achieve the best live their lives in stark contrast to people like you and I. Take Michael Phelps for example, he has 39 world records to his name, just unbelievable. It absolutely rattles my brain as to how an individual can garner so much motivation and reprogram his mindset to one which will dedicate your lifestyle to it. His diet consists of 12, 000 calories; to think that for me to gain just 3 kilos in the next month or so, I need to consume 3, 500 calories daily and that’s already asking a lot of me.
I’ve been starting to wonder if this mindset of mine has actually been detrimental to my ambitions, I recently took some sort of personality quiz and I actually managed to score a magnificent gaping 0 for the ‘ambition’ segment. I guess I’ve got quite a bit of soul searching to do before I find out what exactly I want to do, or rather what I love to do.
I love to draw, I love to construct pieces of art that put people in awe and make them go, “man, I wish I did that”. But if I really loved it so much, wouldn’t I have done it by now? I know this is all very cynical of me, but yeah, my mind has been in a bit of a tussle trying to find out what road I ought to be cruising down in the near future.
For now, my brain is probably just taking a jog around a hectic roundabout, getting in the way of busy trucks filled with passion, scooters buzzing with excitement and buses of determination. I’ll find out which road to take eventually, but till then I’ll enjoy the sights and soak in whatever comes my way like the sponge that I’ve always been.
Beat of the Day: Chris Madina – What Are Words
Damn, I miss her.
I think the reason why I find it so difficult to turn in earlier every night is because I find myself to be in denial that I’ve accomplished so little for the day. And somehow staying up later is just a “feel-safe” for my sub-conscious to make me think that I’ve actually had a productive day.
I think it’s time to sleep earlier…
It’s been awhile since I’ve had a crack at the keys, it seems like it’s been forever has it not? It’s strange, on my journey back home, there were so many thoughts swirling around the pool of my mind and yet, it seems like my fingers are dumbstruck now.
Well… To start off, I find it strange that alcohol has a pretty strange effect on me, many people drink to drown their problems away, but somehow drinking seems to amplify the things that drift in and out of my head, I really hate it, I guess I’ll make it a point to stay away from alcohol for as much as I can. It always puts me in a negative space for some reason and I never really see anything in a good light. I hate alcohol, I don’t like what it does to my head and body.
It’s a couple of days till school starts, and to be frank, I am dreading it very much. The sheer thought of going back to that place… Where there’s so much stress and competition in the air, it intimidates me, I’m kinda’ scared. I don’t like it one bit, I don’t wanna’ fall back into that dark place, why do I hate so many things? Do you think it’s because I’m afraid? Afraid to face reality, such that I push myself away from all these things? These days I have a tendency to want to spend more time alone, why is that so? I’ve always thought of myself as some sort of social butterfly, but it’s gotten so much harder than it used to be, why don’t I want to make friends? School means work, interacting with people, I’m not sure if I can do those things. When we do our school work, our main aim should be to please ourselves should it not? But yet, I haven’t been able to find any fulfillment from finishing all these assignments even if I put my utmost effort into them. I find it strange.
I find it difficult to understand people nowadays, everything is so deep and complicated with everybody’s lives. How I miss the days of primary school where conversation topics were about which girl you had a crush on or whether you could copy a friend’s homework, I miss those days. There was so much clarity back then, was it because I hadn’t developed a sense of responsibility yet? I guess the burden of having to “succeed” in life has sunk in and I can’t quite cope with it just yet. I don’t even know what I want to pursue in the future, I should be worried shouldn’t I? I miss dreaming, I haven’t dreamt in awhile, I’d like a pleasant one soon.
My girlfriend means the world to me, have you ever had that one person you could turn to with anything in the world? That’s why I love her so much, I don’t need any other reason but the simple fact that I am the purest form of myself in her presence. But lately, I find it a tad bit difficult to be myself, is it the lack of attention? I guess we’ve got some talking to do, I’m afraid it won’t turn out well, but I’m hoping for the best. I love her.
That’s it for today Friend, thank you for listening.
Beat of the day: All of Me – Michael Bublé
Life is pretty complex, and life is pretty fragile. If there’s on thing I have learnt in life, it is that you cannot make everybody around you happy. Eventually, you burn out, you tire yourself to the point where you just couldn’t give any more fucks about others and all you want for yourself is to be okay.
Life is a fucking circle, we spend our time growing up learning, our parents earn money, we spend the money, we make friends, we get jobs, we succeed, we fail. And after the initial “learning phase” of life, we’re fresh meat, ready to pounce on any opportunity that presents itself at our feet. And once that opportunity comes, we take it, we need money to survive, and now when we’re alone, we have to do whatever it takes to get by. Phase one passes, and we simply earn money to survive. Phase two, the “continuation phase” follows, we become desperate to find a mate if we don’t already have one by that time. What for? To continue our lineage of course, why is that important? I am unsure. Phase three, we produce offspring, we raise the offspring, we spend what’s left of what we used to survive on phase two and continue to bring in the income. We die, every second after we are born, we are dying. Every human walks this earth dying.
1. Money = Education = Future
2. Future arrives, Money is gone, Education sticks.
3. Education + Skills = Money
4. Money = Survival = Future
Why can’t we simply take away money from the subject and live life primitively, not looking towards the future but soaking in the blessings of everyday. We are given a time limit on this earth so that we understand how to appreciate every second of it here, but when we worry so much about the future and what is to follow for each one of us, I guess we lose sight of things and become horrible creatures. I wish there was a day that nobody had to look at the time because it was unimportant. A day where man would simple live life without a sense of time.
School is horrible, waking up in the mornings is a drag, the alarms have to be snoozed at least thrice. People fill the classes, all these other people with their very own individual problems, some may seem frivolous and others might be seen as heart-wrenching and agonizing to go through. Sometimes I hate people, sometimes, I don’t, but most of the time, I grow tired of seeing all of them, I want to be away, alone, no voices. Less voices, less worries. Less worries, less troubles. Less troubles, same happiness.
I love her, I really do, she brings joy to me at my lowest moments. Yet I feel sad, because I feel like dead weight at times, unable to stand on my own two feet and smile to myself in my head. And I feel bad. I do not know why I am unable to feel now, perhaps I am numb, numb from exhaustion. Maybe all I need is a long sleep, a very long long sleep. Love is a strange thing, it brings you happiness, but yet when one party brings the other party happiness and vice versa, a link is formed. Emotions will be shared and connected, and that creates a strong test for the pair, to be able to go through every peak and every bottom together and see if the link is still there. I want to blame myself for what is happening, but I know that that wouldn’t make things any better for either of us. So who do I blame? Nobody. I must simply look up into the sky, wonder about the things that are infinitely bigger than us specks and hope that someone is watching, and some day, hopefully soon, I will get an answer. I love you, you and only you, because you are who I can be around without wearing a mask, you are a pillar, you are my battery, you are my engine, I want to be the same for you too, and I’ve been unfair asking so much of you, but I cannot be more grateful to you for all that you have gone through for me.
I hope he gets better soon, he needs to realize that it’s not all about him all the time. It’s not just about his happiness, but it’s about the necessity to live. We are all blessed with it, but never should one take it as a curse. He’ll be alright, I do hope he will.
Man alone measures time.
Man alone chimes the hour.
And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures.
A fear of time running out.
I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
I talk to God as much as I talk to Satan ‘cause I want to hear both sides
Does that make me cynical
There are no miracles
And this is no miraculous life
I savour hate as much as I crave love because
I’m just a twisted guy
Is this the pinnacle, is this the pinnacle, the pinnacle of being alive
Now I see the light
Well Happy New Year everyone, I have good news for all of you, we only have 363 more days to go till another.
2013 might have started out on a… How can I put it… Unique note, school has already started and has begun to siphon out any leftover drive that was left dripping inside of me. The amount of energy it takes to drag my feet in to that sorry container of a classroom would probably be equivalent to a few sessions trainings at Vanda. But hey, stay in school, get good grades and have a good future right? Yeah…
I’ve been trying to keep my head up these days, look pass the little things that trigger all the anger, but it hasn’t been much of a success I must say. Many trivial matters have the ability to get me twitching and to create a battlefield of swears in my head. Count my blessings I tell myself, count my blessings…
Well just because I don’t have a very bright outlook of the new year doesn’t mean that any single on of you can’t have the greatest year of your life so far. 363 more days, simple.
Beat of the Day: God and Satan – Biffy Clyro