I think the reason why I find it so difficult to turn in earlier every night is because I find myself to be in denial that I’ve accomplished so little for the day. And somehow staying up later is just a “feel-safe” for my sub-conscious to make me think that I’ve actually had a productive day.
I think it’s time to sleep earlier…
It’s been awhile since I’ve had a crack at the keys, it seems like it’s been forever has it not? It’s strange, on my journey back home, there were so many thoughts swirling around the pool of my mind and yet, it seems like my fingers are dumbstruck now.
Well… To start off, I find it strange that alcohol has a pretty strange effect on me, many people drink to drown their problems away, but somehow drinking seems to amplify the things that drift in and out of my head, I really hate it, I guess I’ll make it a point to stay away from alcohol for as much as I can. It always puts me in a negative space for some reason and I never really see anything in a good light. I hate alcohol, I don’t like what it does to my head and body.
It’s a couple of days till school starts, and to be frank, I am dreading it very much. The sheer thought of going back to that place… Where there’s so much stress and competition in the air, it intimidates me, I’m kinda’ scared. I don’t like it one bit, I don’t wanna’ fall back into that dark place, why do I hate so many things? Do you think it’s because I’m afraid? Afraid to face reality, such that I push myself away from all these things? These days I have a tendency to want to spend more time alone, why is that so? I’ve always thought of myself as some sort of social butterfly, but it’s gotten so much harder than it used to be, why don’t I want to make friends? School means work, interacting with people, I’m not sure if I can do those things. When we do our school work, our main aim should be to please ourselves should it not? But yet, I haven’t been able to find any fulfillment from finishing all these assignments even if I put my utmost effort into them. I find it strange.
I find it difficult to understand people nowadays, everything is so deep and complicated with everybody’s lives. How I miss the days of primary school where conversation topics were about which girl you had a crush on or whether you could copy a friend’s homework, I miss those days. There was so much clarity back then, was it because I hadn’t developed a sense of responsibility yet? I guess the burden of having to “succeed” in life has sunk in and I can’t quite cope with it just yet. I don’t even know what I want to pursue in the future, I should be worried shouldn’t I? I miss dreaming, I haven’t dreamt in awhile, I’d like a pleasant one soon.
My girlfriend means the world to me, have you ever had that one person you could turn to with anything in the world? That’s why I love her so much, I don’t need any other reason but the simple fact that I am the purest form of myself in her presence. But lately, I find it a tad bit difficult to be myself, is it the lack of attention? I guess we’ve got some talking to do, I’m afraid it won’t turn out well, but I’m hoping for the best. I love her.
That’s it for today Friend, thank you for listening.
Beat of the day: All of Me – Michael Bublé
Life is pretty complex, and life is pretty fragile. If there’s on thing I have learnt in life, it is that you cannot make everybody around you happy. Eventually, you burn out, you tire yourself to the point where you just couldn’t give any more fucks about others and all you want for yourself is to be okay.
Life is a fucking circle, we spend our time growing up learning, our parents earn money, we spend the money, we make friends, we get jobs, we succeed, we fail. And after the initial “learning phase” of life, we’re fresh meat, ready to pounce on any opportunity that presents itself at our feet. And once that opportunity comes, we take it, we need money to survive, and now when we’re alone, we have to do whatever it takes to get by. Phase one passes, and we simply earn money to survive. Phase two, the “continuation phase” follows, we become desperate to find a mate if we don’t already have one by that time. What for? To continue our lineage of course, why is that important? I am unsure. Phase three, we produce offspring, we raise the offspring, we spend what’s left of what we used to survive on phase two and continue to bring in the income. We die, every second after we are born, we are dying. Every human walks this earth dying.
1. Money = Education = Future
2. Future arrives, Money is gone, Education sticks.
3. Education + Skills = Money
4. Money = Survival = Future
Why can’t we simply take away money from the subject and live life primitively, not looking towards the future but soaking in the blessings of everyday. We are given a time limit on this earth so that we understand how to appreciate every second of it here, but when we worry so much about the future and what is to follow for each one of us, I guess we lose sight of things and become horrible creatures. I wish there was a day that nobody had to look at the time because it was unimportant. A day where man would simple live life without a sense of time.
School is horrible, waking up in the mornings is a drag, the alarms have to be snoozed at least thrice. People fill the classes, all these other people with their very own individual problems, some may seem frivolous and others might be seen as heart-wrenching and agonizing to go through. Sometimes I hate people, sometimes, I don’t, but most of the time, I grow tired of seeing all of them, I want to be away, alone, no voices. Less voices, less worries. Less worries, less troubles. Less troubles, same happiness.
I love her, I really do, she brings joy to me at my lowest moments. Yet I feel sad, because I feel like dead weight at times, unable to stand on my own two feet and smile to myself in my head. And I feel bad. I do not know why I am unable to feel now, perhaps I am numb, numb from exhaustion. Maybe all I need is a long sleep, a very long long sleep. Love is a strange thing, it brings you happiness, but yet when one party brings the other party happiness and vice versa, a link is formed. Emotions will be shared and connected, and that creates a strong test for the pair, to be able to go through every peak and every bottom together and see if the link is still there. I want to blame myself for what is happening, but I know that that wouldn’t make things any better for either of us. So who do I blame? Nobody. I must simply look up into the sky, wonder about the things that are infinitely bigger than us specks and hope that someone is watching, and some day, hopefully soon, I will get an answer. I love you, you and only you, because you are who I can be around without wearing a mask, you are a pillar, you are my battery, you are my engine, I want to be the same for you too, and I’ve been unfair asking so much of you, but I cannot be more grateful to you for all that you have gone through for me.
I hope he gets better soon, he needs to realize that it’s not all about him all the time. It’s not just about his happiness, but it’s about the necessity to live. We are all blessed with it, but never should one take it as a curse. He’ll be alright, I do hope he will.
Man alone measures time.
Man alone chimes the hour.
And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures.
A fear of time running out.
I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
I talk to God as much as I talk to Satan ‘cause I want to hear both sides
Does that make me cynical
There are no miracles
And this is no miraculous life
I savour hate as much as I crave love because
I’m just a twisted guy
Is this the pinnacle, is this the pinnacle, the pinnacle of being alive
Now I see the light
Well Happy New Year everyone, I have good news for all of you, we only have 363 more days to go till another.
2013 might have started out on a… How can I put it… Unique note, school has already started and has begun to siphon out any leftover drive that was left dripping inside of me. The amount of energy it takes to drag my feet in to that sorry container of a classroom would probably be equivalent to a few sessions trainings at Vanda. But hey, stay in school, get good grades and have a good future right? Yeah…
I’ve been trying to keep my head up these days, look pass the little things that trigger all the anger, but it hasn’t been much of a success I must say. Many trivial matters have the ability to get me twitching and to create a battlefield of swears in my head. Count my blessings I tell myself, count my blessings…
Well just because I don’t have a very bright outlook of the new year doesn’t mean that any single on of you can’t have the greatest year of your life so far. 363 more days, simple.
Beat of the Day: God and Satan – Biffy Clyro
Well, it’s 3 days till the year official comes to a close, and if you’re reading this, I guess you probably survived the much anticipated “apocalypse” (to be honest, I was rather disappointed it didn’t happen).
I guess I can safely say that this year was the complete and utter opposite of meaningful, productive and indelible. Why? Well, I’m not entirely sure of that myself, and it seems like I’ve simply breezed through the past few months in an empty shell of a man, my body may have gone through all the hardwork and grueling endless nights of schoolwork, but perhaps my heart and soul may have wandered away in the process.
If an old acquaintance were to force the usual greeting formalities of “how’ve you been?” onto me, I’d honestly be pretty confused, and that question would probably dally around in my mind for a bit before I come up with the usual, “Oh, I’ve been alright, dying from schoolwork, I mean who hasn’t eh?”.
But time and time again, time itself has eluded me. I simply lack the cunningness and guille to capture something that’s always there, and I’ve filled my cup of tea has been overflowing for quite awhile now. I think it’s about time I poured myself a drink of my own choice and decline the offers from others. Through all this hooha, that simple emotion, what is it again? Oh right, happ… happ-i… Happiness, that’s it. Happiness has seemed to be siphoned out of my body by everything around me, even the hobbies that were once known to me as loves have degenerated into a murky cloud of uncertainty. Yet the thing that bothers me the most about all this is not the fact that it happened, it’s the reason behind all this bullshit. The fact that I just cannot comprehend how I’ve lost my footing really bothers me.
Well I guess that’s what this blog is going to be for now, I still hope to promote some of my works, but in doing so, maybe I’ll find out what’s gotten into me and the reason that I seem to be living the life of a meaningless man, a dark abyss filled with nothingness. So here it begins, I hope to let my other side do some of the writing in the coming weeks, just to see what he’s like.
Beat of the Day: Little Bird – Imogen Heap
Recently, my friends and I decided to embark on a little project that had been on my mind for quite awhile. What I wanted to do was get my face to be painted such that I looked like an actual 3D painting. I also wanted to look completely black and white such that the contrast of me against this vibrant world overrun with billions of colors would be dramatized.
The idea was to capture the attention of the public here in Singapore, a place mainly known for it’s rapid development in the recent years as well as it’s cleanliness. However, people here are a little conservative… “Little” is a tad bit too stingy actually.
As written by a parent on a local forum, “As a concerned parent, I do not support Arts and Culture. More often then not it will lead to the liberalisation of our asian values. Singaporeans do not gain anything from arts and culture and it is only the rich and elite would do.
Worse, arts and culture will lead into immoral values, what with the proposed “No censorship zone”.
This will lead to premarital *****, teenage pregnancies, loose morals or worse, the increase of homosexuals! Arts and culture is seen as an “Ah Kwa” activity and as a parent we certainly don’t want to see our boys turn into a softy or Ah Kwa, like Kumar. Also I see posters on bus stops for Kumar’s show. Why do we promote this “man”? He is a negative example to our children as he is a homo who likes to wear women’s clothes .and will influence our children to be like him.
Say NO to Arts and Culture! Say yes to practical activities like food and say YES to Family Values!”
In a way this project was a response, a response to the fact that the Arts are alive in everyone of us. People still appreciate the arts, and people live off of it. I’m tired, there’s much more on my mind, but I guess I’ll save it for another day. More pics soon!
CREDITS TO NIRAAD SENAN FOR THE PHOTO!